Finding it difficult to talk about emotions is something many of us can relate to. It’s important to remember that emotional expression is a behaviour that can be learned, and that voicing feelings can be beneficial to our health. Read on to explore barriers to sharing our feelings, as well as why and how to overcome these obstacles.
Barriers To Talking About Emotions
Unhelpful beliefs about emotions are common, such as viewing difficult emotions as bad, best avoided, or even dangerous. These damaging messages about emotions often have a cultural root, whether it’s from the broader culture (such as men feeling they shouldn’t show emotions), or from our family culture (e.g., the implicit message that we don’t talk about the hard stuff). Sometimes people also conflate emotions and behaviour, such as the view of anger as ‘bad’ because they associate it with aggression (which is a behaviour and not automatically an outcome from feeling angry).
Past Difficulties with Sharing
If you’ve had experiences where you’ve shared emotions and felt unsupported, you may have become reluctant to share your inner world with others. This is understandable, and for emotional expression to be most effective it helps to have a warm, empathetic listener.
Discomfort In The Moment
Acknowledging and sharing emotions can be an uncomfortable, vulnerable experience. If we are not used to sitting with our emotions, it can feel confronting to verbalise them. Some people also feel that starting to share their emotions is a case of opening the floodgates. There are steps you can take, as listed in the how to express your emotions section, to prevent emotional expression feeling overwhelming.
Sharing Feels Unfamiliar
If you’re not used to talking about emotions, then it can feel unfamiliar and even inappropriate. Any new behaviour will at first feel novel, but this can get better with time.
Inability To Put Feelings Into Words
To share how you’re feeling, you must first be able to recognise that emotion and name it, something that can be challenging. Many people have poor emotional vocabularies, meaning they have limited words to clearly express their internal experiences.
Why Build Up Emotional Expression?
The ability to speak about our emotions can be beneficial for the following reasons:
It Can Prevent Emotion Overload
Have you ever found that you’ve held your emotions in and they’ve eventually come out like a volcano exploding? Regular emotional expression can prevent painful emotions from building up and can help them feel more manageable.
Know Yourself and Others Better
Verbalising feelings can help you clarify and process your emotions, as well as enable others to understand. If you share your emotions then others can provide help whether it be emotional support, advice, practical assistance, or even just keeping you company. Effective emotional expression also builds intimacy and trust within relationships.
How To Start Talking About Your Feelings
If you’re aiming to improve your ability to express emotions, then there are several steps you can take:
Choosing The Right Person And The Right Time
If we choose to share our feelings, we are hoping for a supportive response from the person listening. We can maximise the chance that we will feel heard by talking with someone who we experience as non-judgmental and kind. People who are good at expressing their emotions and have an understanding of mental health are a good choice to open up to because they may be more skilled at responding to our disclosures.
Picking the right time to share emotions can also impact our experience. The right time may be when we feel emotional, but not dysregulated. There also needs to be a setting that is conducive to us sharing (privacy may be desired), as well as the time for this conversation. The person we are sharing with will ideally have the time and emotional capacity to listen to us. You may check if this is the case by asking your support person if it’s a good time to talk.
Emotional expression does not have to involve another person and many people find that expressing their emotions to themselves to be beneficial. This could look like:
- Noticing and internally naming our emotions
- Writing in a journal
- Expressing our emotions in the form of art, music, or movement (such as dance, or letting out pent up emotions while exercising).
Start small
You can learn to talk about your feelings gradually, starting with small disclosures and building up to more difficult conversations over time. You might find some emotions easier to talk about, for example frustration or boredom may be more readily expressed than hurt or anxiety. You can ease into emotional expression by sharing the emotions you find easier to verbalise, which could even be positive (for example, sharing your happiness or excitement). Talking about one topic or emotion at a time can be a good way to contain your emotions so that you do not feel overwhelmed. If you find yourself feeling dysregulated, you could stop talking and engage in calming strategies.
Use language that feels right
You don’t have to have a ‘deep and meaningful’ chat to be engaging in emotional expression. Use the language that feels right to you, which will be influenced by your personality and vocabulary. Phrases like “I’m over things,” or “this sucks” may come more naturally to you than talking about burnout or depression. You do not have to use clinical language or strongly emotive words to get out some of your feelings. Building up emotional vocabulary can assist in strengthening your ability to express yourself.
Summary
In summary, talking about emotions is a challenge for many people. It’s worthwhile building up the skill of emotional expression because it can help us identify and process emotions, as well as enable us to access help from others and build closeness in relationships. Ways to start discussing feelings include gradually building up emotional expression, being conscious to pick the right time and person to talk to, and choosing words that feel comfortable for you. With time you can build up your emotional expression and improve your mental health. Our team at SQPsych can assist in this process.
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